Humour

Let me tell you about my doctor. He's very good! If you tell him you want a second opinion, He'll go out and come in again. ~ He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years, Before he realized she was Chinese. ~ Another time, he gave a patient six months to live. At the end of the six months, the patient hadn't paid his bill, So, the doctor gave him another six months. ~ While he was talking to me, his nurse came in and said, "Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he's invisible." The doctor said, "Tell him I can't see him." ~ Another time, a man came running in the office and yelled, "Doctor, doctor! - my son just swallowed a roll of film!" The doctor calmly replied, "Let's just wait and see what develops." ~ One patient came in and said, "Doctor, I have a serious memory problem." The doctor asked, "When did it start?" The man replied, "When did what start?" ~ I remember one time I...

When the end of the world came, everybody on earth went to heaven. God said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there were two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 1000 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man. God became angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?" And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

A guest in a posh hotel comes down to breakfast and called over the head waiter and read from the menu, "I'd like two boiled eggs, one of them so under cooked that it's runny, and one so over cooked that it's tough and hard to eat. "I'd also like grilled bacon that has been left out so it gets a bit on the cold side; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, lukewarm." That's a complicated order sir", said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult." The guest replied sarcastically, "It can't be that difficult because that's exactly what you brought me yesterday!"

I noticed this guy sitting@the bar (yeah, totally making this up) drinkin a Crown Royal . As I'm ordering a beer, some guy opens the door and says, "Joe..Joe..HURRY UP! Your house is on fire!". The dude gets up off his chair, starts walkin half-way, stops n says,"Wait a m...inute..I ain't got no house!" Soo he walks back to his chair, sits down and orders another shot. As I'm ordering another MGD 64 (my body's a Temple right?) somebody else opens the door n says,"Joe..Joe..come quick..YOUR FATHER'S DYIN!". Of course, he leapt off his seat and left. About a minute later, he walked back in and muttered outloud,"WTH? I ain't got no father!". Seizing the opportunity, I went outside, pushed the door open and yelled "Joe...Joe..hey.. YOU WON THE LOTTERY!! GO TO THE POST OFFICE AND COLLEC YOUR MILLION!!. Woo. Never saw a dude move soo fast (didn't liked'm anyway). Half an hour later he waltz back...

Advice -------------------------  A man called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied. Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie." Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the Priest. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel." The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?!" "S...

Power of expression: A secretary complained about her boss..... She said, "My boss is so sex-crazed". Every time he comes into the office,  I must do the LAPTOP position and then the DESKTOP position, followed by the SPREADSHEET format. I must LOAD UP his SOFT DISK into a HARD DISK , so that he can INSERT in my C DRIVE and then the A DRIVE,  which is most uncomfortable.  Then he'll ask me to EJECT his SOFTWARE outside my C DRIVE so that he is VIRUS FREE. Then he changes his mind and decides to ENTER, ENTER, ENTER the whole day till he is in MICROSOFT stage. Once I tried to ESC but he caught me and shifted me to his HOME where he started pressing @ BACKSPACE, and saying "TURNOVER today"... Many a times he works without CAPLOCKS (without "CAP" or HELMET) and sometimes as an ALTERNATIVE he CRASHES my SYSTEM until he looses his CTRL and he LOGS IN.... This process continues until I ZIP him and SHUTDOWN his main SYSTEM....

The husband of a pregnant wife was thinking of buying insurance for his unborn baby . So he asked Great Eastern and the agent said, "don't worry man, we'll provide insurance right FROM THE BASKET TO THE CASKET". The man was impressed but thought that he should probably seek another opinion. He then approached Prudential and the agent replied, "Oh, we have a new insurance policy which can protect your unborn child FROM THE WOMB RIGHT UP TO THE TOMB". The man was stunned but thought that maybe all salesmen like to bullshit and decided to see the agent from LIC.India. He told the LIC agent what Prudential and Great Eastern had to offer. The LIC agent thought for a while and then said, "Tell you something, we have one that is even better than Prudential and Great Eastern. We'll insure your child FROM ERECTION TO RESURRECTION".

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic  garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a  while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.        Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20  bills falling out of that bag."    "Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see  if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."    Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You  didn't steal it, did you?"    "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a   Golf course . A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence,  right into my flower garden . It used to really tick me off. Kills the  flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it? So, now, I  stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, wit...

Bhagvat Gita – Adhyay 19 Arjun: Hey Vasudev, how can I do the most heinous and unpardonable act of forwarding junk mail that I receive, to my friends, relatives and revered elders? Krishna: Paarth, at this moment, none of them is your friend or foe, relative or in-law, young or old and good or evil. You have no escape from following your Net-Dharma. Make haste to log on and send off the junk mail to one and all. That is the only Karma expected of you and Dharma you must follow. Arjun: Hey Murari! Do not implore me to do something that pricks my conscience and stirs my soul. Krishna: O Kunti-Putra, you are caught in the vicious circle of the Maya. In this material world, you are committed to no one except to yourself, your Dharma and your mouse. Junk mails have existed for over the last 25 years and will remain long after you are gone. Rise above the Maya and perform your bounden duty. Arjun: Lord Krishna, pray and enlighten me on how junk mail is related to the...