Humour

An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant birthday by staying overnight in one of London's most expensive hotels.   When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £250.00. She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth £250.00 for just an overnight stop without even breakfast."   The clerk told her that £250.00 is the 'standard rate' so she  insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and forewarned by the desk clerk announced: "the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use." 'But I didn't use them," she said. ''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager. He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from Edinburgh, G...

Folks generally aren't very creative in choosing names for their dogs. That's why there are so many named Rover and Spot. But, have you heard the plight of the fellow who thought he'd be cute and named his dog Sex?  It goes like this: "One day Sex and I took a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog. A policeman came by and asked what I was doing in this alley at midnight? I told him I was looking for Sex. My case comes up next Tuesday." "But, that ain't the worst part. One day, I went to the town hall to get a dog license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said, 'I'd like to have one, too.' Then, I said, 'You don't understand. She's a dog.' He said he didn't care how she looked. When I told him I'd had Sex since I was 5, he said, “You must have been an early bloomer." "When I decided to get married, I told the minister I wanted to...

Cough Syrup........... The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. He asks the blonde clerk: "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The blonde clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him a bottle of laxative." The pharmacist said: "You can't treat a cough with a laxative!" The blonde clerk responds, "Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough 

Three Italian dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.    The Yellow Labrador turned to the  Black Labrador  and said,  " So why are you here ? "   The Black Lab replied, " I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the  sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids.    But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."   The Yellow Lab said, " So what's the vet going to do ? "   " Gonna cut my nuts off " came the reply from the Black Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."   The Black Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked " why are you here ? "   The Yellow Lab said, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it.  When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.   But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."  a " So what are they go...

Man! O Man! When without money, eats wild vegetables at home; When has money, eats same wild vegetables in fine restaurant. When without money, rides bicycle; When has money, rides exercise machine. When without money, walks to earn food; When has money, walks to lose the fat Man O Man !  never fails to deceive thyself ! When without money, wishes to get married; When has money, wishes to get divorced. When without money, wife becomes secretary; When has money, secretary becomes wife. When without money, acts like rich man; When has money, acts like poor man. Man, O Man, never can tell the simple truth ! Says share market is bad but keeps speculating; Says money is evil but keeps accumulating. Says high positions are lonely but keeps wanting them. Man O Man ! Never means what he says and never says what he means!     " You give but a little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give." ---  Khalil Gibran YO...

A   woman decides to have a facelift for her  50th birthday .    She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results..   On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.  Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am.   'About 32,' is the reply.'   'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.   A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.   The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'  The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'   Now she's feeling really good about herself.  She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this  burning question .   The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'   Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'   While  waiting fo...