Humour

A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain "Please doctor, you've got to help me. I've been stung by a bee." DOCTOR: "Don't worry; I'll put some cream on it." MAN: "You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now." DOCTOR: "No, you don't understand! I'll put some cream on the place you were stung." MAN: "Oh! It happened in the garden where I was sitting under a tree."' DOCTOR (in anger): "No, no, you IDIOT! I mean on which part of your body did that bee sting ." MAN (still screaming in pain): "On my finger! The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts." DOCTOR (banging his fist, abusing and shouting): "Which one?" MAN (innocently): "How am I to know? All bees look the same to me."

A nun in Warsaw, Poland , filed a case against ISKCON ( International Society for Krishna Consciousness ). The case came up in court.   The nun remarked that ISKCON was spreading its activities and gaining followers in Poland . She wanted ISKCON banned because its followers were glorifying a character called Krishna “who had loose morals,” having married 16,000 women called Gopikas.    The ISKCON defendant to the Judge:  “Please ask the nun to repeat the oath she took when she was ordained as a nun.”   The Judge asked the nun to recite the oath loudly. She would not. The ISKCON man asked whether he could read out the oath for the nun. Go ahead, said the judge.  The oath said in effect that 'she (the nun) is married to Jesus Christ'. The ISKCON man said, "Your Lordship ! Lord Krishna is alleged to have 'married' 16,000 women. There are more than a million nuns who assert that they are married to Jesus Christ . Between the two, Krishna and...

Moral of Haircut Story The Haircut : One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community servic...

Husband Store   A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'  So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are e xtremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but f...

A Sardarji comes up to the Pakistan border on his bike. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard Iqbal stops him and says, what's in the bags?' 'Sand,' answered the Sardarji. Iqbal says, 'We'll just see about that. Get off the bike. Iqbal's guard takes the bags and rips them apart; empty them out and find nothing in them but sand. He detains the Sardarji overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. Iqbal releases the Sardarji, puts the sand into new bags, heaves them on to the Sardarji's shoulders, and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happens. Iqbal asks, 'What have you got? 'Sand,' says the Sardarji. Iqbal does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to the Sardarji, and crosses the border on his bike. This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years. F...

The history of the middle finger The History of the Middle Finger Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it? Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree , and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew"). Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can st...

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent  down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!   Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to  sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get  some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that  you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well  indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you £500.' After taking a minute or two to assess  the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is  interested. Sue told him that since her husband  Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house   around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon. When Friday  rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p...

This is hilarious!!! Remember this the next time you need to return something and they are giving you a hard time !!!!!!! A woman went to a BestBuy service counter and told the clerk sheWanted a Refund for the Lexmark Printer she bought because it won't work. The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because they don't honor Extended Service Contracts. Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming, 'PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY N IPPLES!!!!!!' The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers.The BestBuy manager comes to the woman and asks, 'Ma'am what's wrong?' She explains the problem with the Lexmark Printer , and he also tells her that he can't give her a refund because they don't honor Extended Service Contracts. Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screams, 'PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!...

People say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED. But there is.............. When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE. And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are...COMPLETELY FINISHED

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!  An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said,  'Take this jar home and bring back a  semen sample tomorrow.' The next day the 85-year-old man re-appeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then  I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,  then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing....

Equations! - This is the best I have read in a LONG time Equation 1 Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy Donkey = eat + sleep Therefore: Human = Donkey + Work + enjoy Therefore: Human-enjoy = Donkey + Work In other words, A Human that doesn't know how to enjoy = Donkey that works. ++++++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ ++ ++ Equation 2 Man = eat + sleep + earn money Donkey = eat + sleep Therefore: Man = Donkey + earn money Therefore: Man-earn money = Donkey In other words Man who doesn't earn money = Donkey ++++++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ + Equation 3 Woman= eat + sleep + spend Donkey = eat + sleep Therefore: Woman = Donkey + spend Woman - spend = Donkey In other words, Woman who doesn't spend = Donkey ++++++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ + To Conclude: >From Equation 2 and Equation 3 Man who doesn't earn money = Woman who doesn't spend So Man earns money not to ...

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of  the car salesroom.  Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 160kmh,  enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing!"  he thought as he flew down  the N1, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even  more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue  lights flashing and siren blaring.  "I  can getaway from him - no  problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 180kmh, then 220  then 240kmh. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So  he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.  Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's side of the BMW, looked  at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. I...

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment,.. ... I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and  leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and ...

Humour: Problem of Poverty.

Mukesh Ambani in his 27 storeyed home...... Mukeshbhai gets up from his bed room on 15th floor, takes a swim in the swimming pool on 17th floor, has breakfast on the 19th floor, dresses up for office on 14th floor, collects his files and office bag from his personal office on 21st floor, wishes bye to Nitaben on 16th floor, says ‘see you’to his children on 13th floor, and goes down on 3rd floor to self drive his 2.5 crore Mercedes to office, but then, he finds out that he has forgotten the car keys upstairs. But on which floor? 15th, 17th, 19th, 14th, 21st, 16th or 13th ? He phones all his servants, cooks,maids, secretaries, pool attendants, gym trainers, lift attendants etc. on all the floors. There is a hectic search and lot of running around on all the floors, but the key is not traceable . Fed up, after half an hour of frantic search, Mukeshbhai leaves in a huff in a chauffeur driven Ikon car. At 3.30 P.M. late in the afternoon it is discovered that 4 days back , a ...

FEMALE PRAYER   Before I lay me down to sleep,  I pray for a man, who's not a creep,  One who's handsome, smart and strong,  One who loves to listen long,  One who thinks before he speaks,  One who'll call, not wait for weeks,  I pray he's gainfully employed,  When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.  Pulls out my chair and opens my door,  Massages my back and begs to do more.  Oh! Send me a man, who'll make love to my mind,  Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"  I pray that this man will love me no end,  And never attempt to hit on my friend.  And as I pray beside my bed,  I look at the clown you sent me instead.  Amen.   MALE PRAYER I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store. Amen.

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.   When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam , "Is this a union house ?"   "No,'"she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."     "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"   "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,'"she answered.       Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.    His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house.  We observe all union rules."     The man asked, "And, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"   "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."  "That's more like it!" the union man said.   He handed the Madam $100, looked around the r...

One day, three consultants, one from Wipro , one from Infosys and one from TCS, went out for a walk. "Why don't we prove who is the best among ourselves?" Why not, said the other two. The Infosian said "Let's have a test. Whoever makes this monkey laugh, works for the best firm". Being a pure logical strategist, the person from TCS tried to make the monkey Laugh by telling jokes. The monkey stayed still. As a more practical consultant, the Wipro guy tried to make funny gestures... No good, the monkey stayed put. Now, comes the Infosian. Being the practical guy he was always trained to be, he whispered something into the monkey's ear, and it burst out laughing at him. The other two were astonished. So the Wipro guy said "OK, let's take another test. Let's make this monkey cry!!"   So there they went again, applying the same methods as before. The TCS guy narrated sad stories, the Wipro guy made sad gestures,...

The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to > check the prices of > new car. > > What is the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't > turn into men when > they drink. > >  My wife thinks "freedom of the press" means no-iron > clothes. > >  What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great > lawyer? > A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the > judge. > > Nurse: A beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full > minute and then > expects your pulse to be normal. > >  At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I hv > lst my hand, > oh! Santa: Control urself. Don't cry. See that man. He has > lost his head. Is > he crying? > > A French in a hotel in NY, phoned room service for some > pepper. > Attendant: Black pepper or white pepper ? French: Toilette > pepper! > >  Santa & Banta were walking in the highlands then > su...